Staying Home vs Going back to work

Making the decision to stay at home with our children or re-join the workforce can leave many of us mums feeling anxious and unsure and often even after the decision has been finalised we can find it hard to not question the “correctness” of our choice

This subject once again ties in closely with our previous deliberation on the changing role of women. Many contemporary mums for either personal, financial reasons or both choose to return to the work force. Modern women have experienced an increased urge to pursue their personal accomplishments through both work and community contributions. But many women who return to work or pursue external interest find themselves feeling apprehensive about the time and emotional pressures that going back to work will put on their children, themselves and the family unit in general. Most working mums carry some level of uneasiness over the decision to go back to work. Concerns such as external care and separation anxiety ( for both mum and kids) play a large role. On the other hand the decision to stay at home can be equally as challenging and places different pressures on mums and their families. Staying at home can at times be quite isolating leaving mums’ feeling a little detached from the “adult world”. From a financial perspective there are sacrifices particularly if finances are tight. Money in general is a huge life stress and there are very few people who can genuinely say they don’t need or want at least a little more. Then there is what I think is the biggest challenge for the stay at home mum which is remaining sane when the kids are going through “a stage” and 24hrs a day 7 days a week your going through it with them.

I know these challenges because I personally have experienced both. With my eldest (who is now 12) I stayed at home for his first 4 years. This was a decision that I felt was “right” for my family at the time. I was especially aware that I was fortunate to be in a position where this was a choice that was available to me, I knew many mums who would have loved to stay at home but for financial reasons made the decision to go back to work. In saying that during my time at home I often found myself feeling frustrated and isolated by the routine of his every day needs and sometimes wondered if the part of me that felt like I was actively contributing to my family’s financial security and to the world as an individual would ever return. Overall looking back I would say that it was a great experience and just like its opposite choice it was balanced by highs and lows. When it came to my second and third children I decided that going back to work after maternity leave was the best option for me. Finances were a definite factor in my decision, however the more substantial consideration for me was what I (and therefore my family) would best emotionally cope with. My job was part time however I often felt as though my work days were my days OFF. While the self satisfaction for me was increased keeping the family and home running smoothly, missing the kids and feeling guilty about leaving them in care were definately my biggest “working mum challenges”.

Many studies have been conducted in order to resolve the query on what is “best” for our kids. Studies have been performed comparing the emotional, social and academic consequences on children who attend child care vs. those who stay at home. The results vary greatly. Many studied indicate that children who attend some form of high quality care prior to attending school have a slight increase in cognitive, intellectual and social skills. However these are very broad with the emphasis on high quality, some form of care (as little as 1 day of pre-school the year before they are due to attend school) and slight increase suggesting that it is highly likely that if a child hasn’t attended care of any kind that they will quickly adapt and catch up on these skills once they begin attending school. The only thing we can conclude from these studies is in fact that our children will be fine either way– except if we aren’t.

Young children are highly influenced by their parent’s behaviours. They observe what you do and then in turn model it through their own behaviours. This is commonly known as observational (or social) learning. During early childhood you are the person they are most influenced by and therefore how you feel and respond to the world becomes especially important. This is where taking care of you directly translates to taking care of them. The right choice is what will place the least amount of stress on you and your family. If that is to go back to work in order to relieve the families financial concerns then that is what is right, if that is to go back to work so that you feel personally fulfilled and are better able to cope when you are at home with the kids then that is right, if that is to stay at home and take care of the family from there then that is right. If you don’t work and decide to send them some of the time to day care so that they can socialise and you an organise then that is also right.

The debate over which choice is best for the children can get quite intense and there are many people with very passionate points of view on the subject, however I think that what is important to remember is that they are just that “points of view” or alternately phrased “personal beliefs” Either way they are owned singularly by the person who has them, and are in turn singularly right for that person. What is right for your kids is altimately what is right for you. The happier you are the happier they will be. This example goes so much further than the work or stay at home issue it applies to every part of your family life. Taking care of you is not selfish it is just a balanced approach which will mutually benefit everyone.

There is often a fine line between too little and too much information. The main issue with too much is that it can cloud our instincts. Remember what you feel in your heart nine times out of ten will help you make the right decision for you and your family.

Lee Spencer
May 29 Issue of Optimum Life E-Zine

References:
Bandura, A. (1986). Social foundations of thought and action: A social cognitive theory. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall.

Zoritch B, Roberts I, Oakley A. The health and welfare effects of day-care: a systematic review of randomised controlled trials. Social Sci Med 1998;47:317-327.

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