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Sibling Rivalry

Introduction
Why do my kids fight?
What Can I Do When the Fighting Starts?
Helping Kids Get Along
Getting Professional Help
One last thing to remember

Introduction

"Mums he’s hitting me"
"Dad, she’s has taken my stuff without asking again!”
"I had that first, give it back."

Sound familiar? If you have more than one child, the answer is probably "yes." Sibling rivalry is considered amongst the top parenting issues and doesn’t just affect parents of toddlers or young children, sibling rivalry between older children and teenagers can be a major challenge for parents.

As parents we want our children to be the best of friends and if your family is anything like mine at least 50% of the time they are. You have that beautiful moment when you look at your children interacting as close friends, sharing and nurturing each other, your heart is pleased and you feel so proud. You turn your back and walk away feeling as though all is right with the world and then you hear. … “It was my turn, you’re a cheat” and the war of words is on. In that split moment you switch hats from proud parent to frustrated referee and you enter the war zone and attempt to diffuse the situation.

It's very common for brothers and sisters to fight and it is also common for them to swing back and forth between adoring and detesting one other!

Often, sibling rivalry starts even before the second child is born, and continues as the kids grow and compete for everything from toys to attention at a young age through to exerting their individual opinions and demanding personal space as they get older. As kids reach different stages of development, their evolving needs can significantly affect how they relate to one another.

It can be frustrating and upsetting to watch — and hear — your kids fight with one another. A household that's full of conflict is stressful for everyone. Yet often it's hard to know how to stop the fighting, and or even whether you should get involved at all. But you can take steps to promote peace in your household and help your kids get along.

Why Do My Kids Fight?

Reasons for fighting are mostly age (developmentally) specific and therefore it first helps to understand where your children are at developmentally in order to better deal with the fighting.

Age 0-2
Age 3-4
Age 5-11
Age 11-16

Age 0 - 2 yrs

Young children (under the age of 2) are in the Sensorimotor stage of cognitive development. Their primary objective is to learn how to interact with and manipulate objects in their environment. They have very little if any concern for anything or anyone else because they are not yet cognitively mature enough to know any better. Sharing is not a concept they can understand because they simply do not understand that anyone or anything else other them exist in the world. They quite literally see other people (particularly mum) as an extension of themselves and assume that what ever they are feeling you are feeling and therefore is the only thing that matters. So to expect a child up to the age of two to empathise and share is completely unrealistic. However because of this completely egocentric point of view social interaction with an older sibling at different stage of development can be very challenging. Back to Top

Age 3 -4 years

Now in the Preoperational stage of cognitive development children in this age group are beginning to understand that they are separate from the rest of the world have a strong desire to interact socially with others. They understand that it feels good to have strong friendships and they are far less selfish. However emotionally they are still quite immature and can find themselves reverting back to previous selfish behaviours from time to time, particularly if they see that because they understand more than their younger sibling that they are expected to be the one who rises above the argument or if they are the youngest remaining selfish can often be very effective in getting what they want so they may move less quickly (at home at least) into the stage of sharing and considering other peoples feelings. Back to Top

Age 5-11

This age group crosses between Preoperational and Concrete Operational but from a behavioural point of view this is the most consistent age group. Providing that they are not experiencing any major trauma kids in this age group are generally very obliging to their peers (although less so to their siblings). They have a good sense of empathy and become increasingly interested in particular sports or pop cultures. Their personal opinions, individuality and sense of social justice are developing rapidly and this is probably the biggest source of tension in sibling relationships from this age group. Most arguments will evolve around a differing of opinion, an expression of frustration due to unjust social responses (someone not playing fair) or personal space issues. Back to Top

Age 11 – 16 years

Hormones are progressively setting in and as much as they are more cognitively aware of what they are doing their ability to control their emotional responses is diminished. Kids of this age can be like Jekyll and Hyde for this reason. They still have their sense of justice but it can often be contradicted by their need to express their individuality. At this stage of development they are driven by their increasing need to be independent. The eldest is typically the most problematic in this stage because their siblings are younger and they find their immaturity frustrating and annoying. They are seeking to step up a level not down. They may also resent the fact that they need to take care of the younger siblings at times Back to Top

Other than age there are a few other aspects that need to be considered like:

Individual temperaments. Some children are inately assertive or passive and this will have an impact on the relationship
Special needs/sick kids. Children that have been ill or have special needs require greater attention from parents, this can lead to resentment from other siblings. Take this into consideration and try and provide some one on one time for the other children as well

Understanding our children’s development helps tells us that our kids are fighting primarily because of their different needs and stages not because they are fundamentally not good friends or that we as parents have somehow not instilled the right values in them.

The perfect example of this is my 3 and 5 year old children. My little girl (5) yells “Mum he’s hitting me for no reason”. Her sense of justice is developed and she wants the injustice fixed. My 3yr old will fight over the ball he wants that his sister already has because he still thinks the world revolves around him and therefore he should get what he wants. (Being the youngest he has not progressed as quickly to the next stage.) What I know is that they will always fight, even though what they fight about will evolve with them.

This poses the question that if there is always going to be rivalry to some extent how do we effectively deal with it?

What Can I Do When the Fighting Starts?

We know that our children fighting is natural and normal but it is never pleasant and for us as parents it can be at times almost unbearable to tolerate. Even thought it is often our first instinct to jump in and sort things out it is actually best whenever possible, to not get involved. Step in only if there's a danger of physical harm. If you always intervene, you risk creating other problems. The kids may start expecting your help and wait for you to come to the rescue rather than learning to work out the problems on their own. There's also the risk that you — inadvertently — make it appear to one child that another is always being "protected," which could foster even more resentment. By the same token, rescued kids may feel that they can get away with more because they're always being "saved" by a parent. This also presents the problem when you are not there to save them they have not developed the necessary skills to solve the problem on their own.

If you're concerned by the yelling, language used or name-calling, it's appropriate to "coach" kids through what they're feeling by using appropriate words. This is different from intervening or stepping in and separating the kids.

Even then, encourage them to resolve the crisis themselves. If you do step in, try to resolve problems with your kids, not for them.

When getting involved, here are some steps to consider:

• Separate kids until they're calm. Sometimes it's best just to give them space for a little while and not immediately rehash the conflict. Otherwise, the fight can escalate again. If you want to make this a learning experience, wait until the emotions have died down.

• Don't put too much focus on figuring out which child is to blame. It takes two to fight — anyone who is involved is partly responsible.

• Next, try to set up a "win-win" situation so that each child gains something. When they both want the same toy, perhaps there's a game they could play together instead.

Remember, as kids cope with disputes, they also learn important skills that will serve them for life — like how to value another person's perspective, how to compromise and negotiate, and how to control aggressive impulses.

Helping Kids Get Along

Simple things you can do every day to prevent fighting include:

• Set ground rules for acceptable behavior. Tell the kids that there's no cursing, no name-calling, no yelling, no door slamming. Solicit their input on the rules — as well as the consequences when they break them. This teaches kids that they're responsible for their own actions, regardless of the situation or how provoked they felt, and discourages any attempts to negotiate regarding who was "right" or "wrong."

• Don't let kids make you think that everything always has to be "fair" and "equal" — sometimes one kid needs more than the other.

• Be proactive in giving your kids one-on-one attention directed to their interests and needs. For example, if one likes to go outdoors, take a walk or go to the park. If another child likes to sit and read, make time for that too.

• Make sure kids have their own space and time to do their own thing — to play with toys by themselves, to play with friends without a sibling tagging along, or to enjoy activities without having to share 50-50.

• Show and tell your kids that, for you, love is not something that comes with limits.
• Let them know that they are safe, important, and needed, and that their needs will be met. Show them that you understand where they are coming from and reward their ability to compromise.

• Have fun together as a family. Whether you're watching a movie, throwing a ball, or playing a board game, you're establishing a peaceful way for your kids to spend time together and relate to each other. This can help ease tensions between them and also keeps you involved. Since parental attention is something many kids fight over, fun family activities can help reduce conflict.

• If your children frequently squabble over the same things set time limits of play. Keep these age appropriate so for young children make it 2-5 mins each and for older children you can post a schedule showing which child "owns" that item at what times during the week. (But if they keep fighting about it, take the "prize" away altogether.) .

• If fights between your school-age children are frequent, hold weekly family meetings in which you repeat the rules about fighting and review past successes in reducing conflicts. Consider establishing a program where the kids earn points toward a fun family-oriented activity when they work together to stop battling.

• Recognize when kids just need time apart from each other and the family dynamics. Try arranging separate play dates (with younger children) or time separate social events (for older children). And when one child is out you can spend one-on-one time with another.

Keep in mind that sometimes kids fight to get a parent's attention. In that case, consider taking a time-out of your own. When you leave, the incentive for fighting is gone. Also, when your own fuse is getting short, consider handing the reins over to the other parent, whose patience may be greater at that moment.

Getting Professional Help

In a small percentage of families, the conflict between brothers and sisters is so severe that it disrupts daily functioning, or particularly affects kids emotionally or psychologically. In those cases, it's wise to get help from a mental health professional. Seek help for sibling conflict if it:

• is so severe that it's leading to marital problems

• creates a real danger of physical harm to any family member

• is damaging to the self-esteem or psychological well-being of any family member

• may be related to another psychiatric disorder, such as depression

If you have questions about your kids' fighting, talk with your doctor, who can help you determine whether your family might benefit from professional help and refer you to local mental health resources.

One last thing to remember:

You are your child’s most important role model. The way that parents resolve problems and disagreements sets a strong example for kids. So if you and your spouse work through conflicts in a way that's respectful, productive, and not aggressive, you increase the chances that your children will adopt those tactics when they run into problems with one another. If your kids see you routinely shout, slam doors, and loudly argue when you have problems, they're likely to pick up those bad habits themselves.

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