Part 2 - Helping our children deal with sadness

Helping Kids Cope with Sadness
By Ava Siegler

"Sometimes Ryan, our 1½-year-old son, cries as if his heart will break — over stuff that doesn't seem all that important to us. Why does he get so sad and how can we soothe him?"

A child's sadness is always hard for a parent to bear. But it's important to realize that children, like grown ups, have deep and even dark feelings, and they suffer emotional as well as physical pain. Of course, your first impulse is to try to make everything all right. But it's not so easy to kiss emotional wounds and make them better.

How can you comfort your daughter when she doesn't want you to leave the house? What can you do when your son's best friend doesn't want to play with him? How can you help your child deal with the death of his beloved grandma? And what's the difference between a child who's sad and one who has become depressed?

Let's look at how you can help your children cope with sad times in their lives, age by age:

Birth to 1½ years old
Your baby's first sadness is about separation from you
A newborn baby has a limited emotional repertoire. She's usually either content (quiet, calm and satisfied) or discontent (distressed, crying and unsatisfied). But even though your baby may fuss, keep you up nights, and cry real tears, she isn't really able to feel a sophisticated emotion like sadness, which requires recognition of both deep attachment and painful loss.

Though your baby is able to show when she's happy by 3 to 4 months ("He loves to be naked," "She adores her bath," "He gets so excited when he sees his dad."), as well as when she's unhappy ("She hates to be put in her crib," "He doesn't like it when you stop rocking him," "She's miserable when her diaper gets changed."), it's not until 6 to 9 months that she clearly discriminates between her parents and all others (this is what "stranger anxiety" is about).

The bad news now is that when you're not there, your baby is aware she's lost someone she values. (And since a 6- to 9-month-old doesn't yet understand how time passes, the separation from you can feel endless!) But the good news is that children under 2-years-old can be easily reassured and/or distracted, even when they're sad. ("Let's dry your tears, get some juice and listen to your music box.")

Good substitute caregivers and predictable routines will help your baby to overcome sad feelings about missing mummy or daddy. But in addition you need to keep your baby's sadness in perspective. If you over-identify with his distress ("Oh, my poor sweetie-pie."), or become overwhelmed by your own guilt ("He's so sad; maybe I shouldn't leave him."), you give credence to your child's worries ("If mummy's sad, too, this separation must really be a bad thing."). Instead, stay calm and keep your good-byes short and comforting ("Goodbye, honey bun. Mummy will be back soon.").

1½ to 3 years old
Growing up means leaving things behind
Your toddler has accomplished so much! He's talking and walking and eating and playing, but each step forward means that he has had to leave something behind, and that can cause your 1½- to-3-year-old to feel some sadness.

Now that she can walk, for example, you're less likely to carry your 1½-year-old in your arms. Now that he can talk, you're less likely to try to anticipate your 2-year-old's every wish. And by 3, as a new sibling is born, as you return to full-time work, or as the preschool you've chosen tells you, "No bottles and no diapers by the time he begins!" your toddler can feel a lot of parental pressure to grow up faster.
While it's important to encourage your 1½- to 3-year-old to move along her own developmental path ("In your new school, all the boys and girls pee and poop in the toilet, so you need to learn how."), remember that becoming a "big girl" or a "big boy" involves losses as well as gains. It's normal for your toddler to feel sad about not being a baby anymore at the same time that she's proud of herself for wearing "pull-ups."
To help your toddler want to grow and master new skills, remember to emphasize all the wonderful things that lie ahead of him ("In school, they have beautiful big blocks and delicious snacks and visits to the zoo."). But don't forget to sympathize with the loss of his babyhood, too ("I know it's going to be hard to give up your bottle, but I'm going to buy you a bright yellow cup with Big Bird on it."). Try not to minimize your toddler's loss ("You don't really need your bottle anymore."), or even worse, humiliate him about his baby ways ("Only silly babies need bottles!").
And never punish a child for his immaturity, as this will destroy his optimism and confidence. Instead, if your child is digging in his heels, use little rewards to encourage more mature behaviors ("Everyday you pee-pee in the potty, you'll get a gold star, and if you get 4 gold stars in a row, we'll buy you that little dinosaur you've wanted."). Rewards work well at this age because they balance out your child's sad feeling that he's losing something. Since children this age are still dependent upon and comforted by parental support and affection, they may feel sad, from time to time, but they rarely feel truly depressed.

3 to 6 years old
As your child's world widens, sad feelings expand, too
The preschool years expose your child to community life, but it's important to remember that each time your child makes a new friend, connects to a new babysitter, or gets a new teacher, there's the potential for the breakup of this relationship and attendant sadness. Losing a friend who's moving to another city, saying goodbye to a familiar babysitter, or shifting to a new class, all present your child with significant emotional challenges. How resilient your child is able to be in the face of these challenges depends on three important factors:

First, your child's temperament: There are some kids that are endowed with sturdy, easy-going, resourceful temperaments while others are more sensitive, absorb emotional pain, and have more difficulty bouncing back. If your child is on the sensitive end of the spectrum, be sure to anticipate sad feelings beforehand when you can ("Daddy may not be able to be home in time for your ballet recital."), or talk about them afterwards ("I know you felt sad because Daddy couldn't get here to see you dance.").

Secondly, your child's past experiences: A child who has basically had good experiences in his family is going to handle sadness better than a child whose experiences have been marred by unpleasant or unpredictable events over which he's had little control. Strong emotional connections build strong kids.

And third, your response to your child's sad reactions: A preschool child still sees of lot of the world through your eyes. This means that you play a major role in shaping and defining your 3- to 6-year-old's experiences, and your perspective can help enlarge your child's point of view. Because a child this age has a firm sense of self and a capacity to understand loss, temporary sadness, if left unattended, can become a more chronic depressive response expressed through feelings of pessimism.
Since children this age tend to focus on the present and have trouble envisioning the future, it's up to you to help your child keep her perspective. Remind her that even if she's sad now, she's likely to feel better later. ("Remember when you were so upset last week when Alex wasn't in school — but you had fun anyway, playing with Emily?")

6 to 9 years old
School-aged children become capable of grief and mourning
By the time your child is 6 or 7 years old, he has developed a clear concept of space and time, knows the difference between animate and inanimate objects, and has a sense of permanence and impermanence. This means that he is able to hold people, places and things in mind, comprehend the finality of death, and express grief.

Understandably, many parents try to shield their children from exposure to grief and mourning. Some go so far as to lie about it ("After the car hit Snowball, Daddy took her to live in the country"). But while at the moment you may feel you're protecting your child, in the long run you're actually depriving her of an opportunity to master her sadness. After all, grief is a developmental accomplishment that demonstrates your child's mature understanding of love and loss — child who cries at the death of a kitten is a child who cares.

By letting your 6- to 9-year-old child mourn, you enhance and expand her emotional growth. She's "sadder but wiser" because she's begun to understand the value of her life and the people in it. Since a 6- to 9-year-old child has a good sense of cause and effect and a well-developed conscience, he is also capable of guilt and remorse, feelings that are closely linked to depression.

When sad things happen, be sure your child doesn't blame himself and become depressed. ("If only I hadn't let Snowball play outside, the car never would have hit her. It's all my fault.") Correcting the depressive response helps lift a weight off your child's shoulders. ("We always let Snowball play outside and nothing ever happened to her before. This was just a bad accident.")

Because your child can understand the permanence of loss, this is a good time to include him in appropriate funeral and memorial services. Not only will these services provide him with an emotional outlet for his feelings, his inclusion as a mourner confirms that he's an important member of his family.
Finally, while there's no doubt that these first experiences with the death of a pet or a neighbor or a teacher are saddening, don't forget that from a developmental perspective they serve to strengthen your child. This strength will help sustain them through more profound losses later in her life, like the death of a grandparent.

9+
Coping with feeling blue: A precursor to adolescence
"Julie, our 10-year-old daughter, has become so sad and mopey, and she shuts herself up in her room, refusing to hang out with her friends or even go to the movies with us. Is her behavior normal?"

If we aren't worried about a preteen's defiance and volatility, we're usually concerned about her apathy and moodiness. And there's no doubt that you're likely to see some pretty wide emotional swings from one extreme to the other as your child approaches puberty. That's why it's harder to know during these years when your child's behavior is normal and when it's a cause for concern.

Certainly, some preteens (but not all) seem to go through a "blue period," where they begin to turn inward as they approach adolescence. After all, the first developmental task your child faces in adolescence is loosening his dependence on you for emotional comfort and security. This is sad for both of you, particularly since a great deal of your child's sense of himself has come from his connection to you. Your preteen is bound to feel at somewhat of a loss during these years since he hasn't let go of relying on his family but he can't always count on his friends as a source of support.

That means that your preteen's mood is often driven by the ups and downs of peer relationships — with self-esteem rising when he feels accepted and admired by his friends, and self-esteem plunging when he feels left out or rejected. While it's normal for your 11-year-old to feel sad if she hasn't been invited to a friend's sleep-over, if her sadness turns into relentless self-criticism or self-blame ( "I'm a loser." "Rachel's right not to invite me. I'd just ruin it for everyone."); or a sense of hopelessness ("What's the use. No one likes me and there's nothing I can do about it."), it's a cause for parental concern. This kind of response is depressive. (Sadness is a straightforward response to a sense of loss while depression includes self-blame and pessimism).

But remember, you can't help a depressed kid feel better by joining in her despair ("That's awful."), correcting her perceptions ("You're a great kid; everyone likes you."), or encouraging her isolation ("Who cares about a stupid party anyway?"). The best way to comfort a depressed child is to reflect out loud on her dilemma and help her take some action that can make her feel better. ("I know it feels bad to be left out. I guess you're not in Rachel's inner circle, but I was remembering that Holly really likes you and she wasn't invited either. Maybe the two of you can have your own sleepover.")

When your children were younger, parental reassurance was your most effective tool, because young kids (under 9 years old) still perceive you as powerful and capable of changing their world. But older children require more than just parental reassurance to deal with sad feelings. They need you to help them acknowledge their experiences, assess them realistically, and address the real issues. ("It's sad that you didn't win the skateboard competition today, but you have four more competitions coming up, and there are still a lot of good chances.")

Finally, don't be afraid to draw upon your own past experiences to help comfort your child when he must face sad times. ("When I was your age, I was so sad because we had to move away from my old house. I cried for weeks. But you know what? Everything turned out to be better than I thought. My new room was bigger, I made some good friends in my neighborhood and I loved my new school.") Kids of any age love to hear that their parents, who seem so strong and powerful now, were once sad and vulnerable, just like them!

How do you know when your child needs professional help?
1. There is a sharp change in your child's behavior. (A bold child becomes timid, an energetic one, listless, etc.)
2. The behavioral change seems unusually intense. (You child overreacts all the time, or is very sad or irritable, etc.)
3. The behavioral response persists over time and is not clearly linked to a precipitating event, like the loss of a babysitter or the death of an aunt, or a move to a new neighborhood, etc.

Signs of Depression
1½ to 3 years (persists for over 6 weeks)
Toddlers generally show feelings through their bodies rather than through a sad mood. Disturbances in eating or sleeping may indicate underlying depressive conflicts.

3 to 6 years (persists over 8 weeks)
Preschoolers display underlying conflicts through pervasive worries, including separation and school anxieties. Chronic nightmares may also indicate that your child is overwhelmed.

6 to 9 years (persists for over 8 weeks)
A difficult-to-manage child, a withdrawn child, and/or an accident-prone child may all be struggling with underlying depression.

9+ years (persists over 8 weeks)
By this age, childhood depression more closely persistently resembles adult depression. A blue or sad mood, hopelessness and helplessness, a lack of energy or chronic complaints of fatigue, or unremitting irritability can all be your child's way of expressing depressed feelings. Watch, too, for rapid weight loss or weight gain.

Copyright Ava L. Siegler, Ph.D., 2006
Dr. Ava Siegler is a nationally-known psychologist and the author of two award-winning books for parents, What Should I Tell the Kids: A Parent's Guide to Real Problems in the Real World, and The Essential Guide to the New Adolescence: How to Raise an Emotionally Healthy Teenager. In addition, she was a popular columnist for Child Magazine for a decade, and hosted a live-time internet show, ASK DR. AVA, for Ladies Home Journal.