Dealing with children’s emotions

Emotions are sensors. They are the feelings that allow us to experience the world you could say they are the symptoms of being alive. Just like we get better at physical challenges as we get older we also get better at dealing with emotional challenges. So how do we help our ‘under developed’ children deal with their emotions. This is the 1st of a 3 part series that will deal with the 3 main negative emotions that our children face.

Anger

Sadness

Fear

Part 1 - Helping our children manage anger.

Teaching our children how to manage anger can be very challenging. As adults we often find it hard to understand what is motivating our children’s feelings of anger. Because of this it can help to look at some of the contributing factors that underpin our children’s feelings of anger.

A child can experience anger for many reasons, below are the most prominent examples:

1. A conflict with another child over possessions, or when another child invades their space.
2. Physical aggression form another child such as pushing or hitting
3. Verbal conflict such as being teased or a taunted.
4. Rejection, which involves a child being ignored or not allowed to play with peers.
5. Trying to get other people to conform to something they wants and not getting compliance

When you look at these they are not all that dissimilar to the reasons adults experience feelings of anger.

After they experience the anger they will then express it.

There are many ways that children can display their anger some are more passive than others. Facial expressions, crying and sulking are reasonably passive ways for a child to express their anger however there may be times when your child chooses to actively resist by physically or verbally defending their positions and self-esteem.

Experiencing and expressing anger is in itself not an unhealthy process. After all we don’t want our children to be passive or completely compliant we want them to be able to defend themselves if necessary and to be able to express their individual needs. But we also don’t want them to socially isolate themselves with overly aggressive behaviours. So how do we help them find the balance?

The first step is to let them know how to identify with their feelings of anger. Once a person is aware of something (this includes children) they start to react to it consciously rather than unconsciously giving them greater personal choice over the reaction. So getting your child to say things like I feel angry because _______________. And really letting them express the situation and feelings behind the anger will help them become more conscious of their feelings and the reasons for them. (You might need to do some probing to help them talk this through – children particularly younger children can often find expressing their feelings in words difficult.)

The second step is to acknowledge their feelings. Let them know that you understand and acknowledge what they are feeling (even thought you might not agree with it or be able to change it.) Your child will then know that you at least empathise with them and then will be more likely to listen to the advice you have for them on how to best deal with the situation. This also models a calm response to feelings of anger. Children very much learn through modeling their parent’s behaviours. If you react to anger with anger you are really only encouraging the continued response.

The third step is to make sure that there is a direct and immediate consequence for any inappropriate physical responses to anger. It must be immediate and consistent. If your child can anticipate with 100% accuracy that there will be a negative result to their inappropriate behaviour they will in time cease this behaviour. (Make sure that the consequence is not aggressive particularly physical such as a smack this is what is called negative reinforcement because it is in fact modeling the behaviour you are trying to stop and will actually encourage the continuation of the dysfunctional behaviour). Be calm and empathetic but insistent that the consequence is carried out. (An example of this would be time out or for an older child the removal of privileges).

The third step is to give them an alternative (more appropriate) response. Encourage your child to use words instead of actions to express their anger. Give them permission to express their anger verbally rather than physically. Get them to yell into a pillow or allow them the time to cry it out if needs be. (Crying is a form of entropy which helps to expel the feelings of chaos and to re-instill order in the system). If your child feels the need to sulk let them, while occasionally letting them know that you are ready to sort the situation out when they feel ready. If you have an older child let them go out for a run or a bike ride to burn off some steam.

Finally we look at helping them with problem solving skills for future reference. After the situation has calmed down encourage them to tell you what they would have liked to have happened. Help them look at the situation from the outside in so that they can gain the perspective of how to better handle the situation if it comes up again. (For younger children make sure you use age appropriate language and guide them through the alternative responses).

One of the most important things we can do as parents is model the behaviours we expect from our children. This can be very difficult at times because our children’s emotions can leave us feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. Using the strategies above for ourselves becomes increasingly important at this time. If you are feeling angry with your child give yourself the alternative response to walk away rather than yell. You can tell your child that you are making this choice. “I am leaving the room now because if I don’t I am going to do or say something I don’t want to”. Also make sure that you are applying balance to your life. If you are not taking time out to relieve yourself of the pressures of parenting you are more likely to respond unconsciously and ineffectively. I think more parents should see personal time as an essential tool in “Good Parenting”. Once again this is modeling to your child balanced behaviour. It shows that taking time for yourself is not selfish, it in fact enables you to be the best you can be when you are present.

references:
Denham, S. A., Zoller, D., & Couchoud, E. A. (1994). Socialization of preschoolers' emotion understanding. DEVELOPMENTAL PSYCHOLOGY, 30(6), 928-937. EJ 498 090.

Eisenberg, N., Fabes, R., Schaller, M., Carlo, G., & Miller, P. (1991). The relations of parental characteristics and practices to children's vicarious emotional responding. CHILD DEVELOPMENT, 62(6), 1393-1408. EJ 439 967.

Fabes, R. A., & Eisenberg, N. (1992). Young children's coping with interpersonal anger. CHILD DEVELOPMENT, 63(1), 116-128. EJ 439 998.

Marion, M. (1995). GUIDANCE OF YOUNG CHILDREN. Columbus, OH: Merrill.