Finding the Balance in motherhood.

I don’t know about you but I don’t think there is any doubt that the person who invented this word “balance” almost certainly didn’t have kids.

In my house it is quite apparent who runs the family and I can tell you it’s not me and it’s not my husband. Every day seems start off exactly the same, we sleep as long as the kids will let us (for me about 6 am) we desperately try to encourage them to stay in bed (if not theirs then ours) just 15 minutes longer so that we can try and wake up “normally”. Ok that’s not happening we’re up and about. Food! That’s the first thing on the agenda (once again them not me) – I’m just after a cup of coffee – still trying to wake up because I stayed up late working.

My little boy (3 ½ ) has a large bowl of cereal, a vegemite sandwich, a muesli bar and, on a good day, back to another sandwich. Meanwhile my husband gets ready for work, my eldest (12) is dutifully getting ready for school and doing his morning jobs but… needs a note signed and money for bus, not to mention the reminder about footy training this afternoon. My little girl (5 ½ ) is busily organizing her days social activities like planning next years birthday or writing an imaginary invitation to her friends, of course she’s not all that great on words yet so I have to write them out first for her to copy.

Your morning scenario is probably different to mine (depending on the age of the kids) but I will bet you one thing is the same, the primary focus is on what the kids want and need. Sorry, I stand corrected it’s not just the mornings focus, lets throw in the rest of the day as well and probably, more realistically, the next 18 years.

“Balance” has become the trendy word in psychology and there is no doubt, in our busy worlds, that is the ideal. But has it become just another expectation that we place on ourselves? Now we have to be a great mum, a good wife, a home keeper, in a lot of cases an income earner and now we also have to be balanced as well. What a list!

You are probably thinking, wow Lee all your articles are normally so focused on the “holistic” approach, this sarcasm is out of character. The point I am trying to make here is not that the word “balance” is wrong to use, it’s just that for mothers in general our view of what it means is unrealistic and therefore makes it unobtainable.

Am I right to think that the word “balance” is symbolized by an image of equally balanced scales. This is what I mean by an unrealistic expectation. No mother, or father for that matter, will ever again (at least not until the kids leave home and even then?) have their needs equally met with their children’s needs. Every parent innately knows that with the role of parenting comes the commitment to putting your kids first. And guess what, that’s ok! It is exactly the way it was intended to be. After all your parents did it for you and for that matter probably still are.

Now this is just my opinion but I think we need to conjure up a new image for balance. It should look more like 4kg parents side 16kg the kids (approx 80% kids 20% parents) and then it would be realistic and we would have a chance at obtaining it.

Psychologists preach that goals should be realistic and obtainable other wise they end up just being a pipe dream that leaves you feeling as if you have failed before you even started.

So the lesson here is to make sure we don’t see balanced parenting as an unobtainable dream. Balanced parenting is taking care of the kids 80% of the time and making sure somewhere you fit in the 20% for you. Now that is being realistic.

There is one last catch though and that is if you don’t give yourself the 20% what you take away from your side equivalently take away from the kids side, which means you no longer have 100% of anything. I think (I know because I do it all the time) that as parents we don’t recognize this. Think about it. When your level is at 0% is the quality of ‘you’ that the kids are getting at 100%? No! 20% for you is not only “balance” (even if slightly tilted) it is also your children’s ideal. Your 20% will give them the best of you and that is the very least that you both deserve don’t you think?

I’ll make you a deal I’ll try it if you do!

Lee Spencer

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